Is it Autism or Aspergers?

I get this, I get this a lot. And often, I am lost for words and only emotions engulf me. Not as if this is rare, just another happenstance.

You look normal, they say. You can talk, they say. You communicate just like us, they say. I had just stopped listen to what they say. And I began really losing myself in those feelings, I have learned that is the only way I will ever truly understand emotions that I have no words for. To just get lost in them when they surface.

Being able to do this, for one, has been a blessing only a year in the making. Only a year! I am presently 29 years old. I am a female on the Autistic Spectrum. I am in a relationship for going on three years and I have lived alone most of my life. Working my way through survival as a private and commercial Chef, photography, graphic design, developing web app’s, and working in the health care field.  Most are dumb founded by my employment history, but what they do not understand is if they were to look closer, they would truly understand. I could never do this before, working up to 120 hours a week, I had no time to know who I was and was content with that. Most of all, I have no formal education from 1st-12^th grade. At all. I was never sent to school after kindergarten. That is a whole different story.. 

What separates Autism and Aspergers? Truly?

There is huge mix of emotions that I started matching to words. And it didn’t make total sense, until today. And, I ask that you understand that this is a “new” revelation in my very wonky head, do not be offended, please. Or do, what ever feels best, that is my involuntary motto.

When I think of very “high-functioning” compared to what would be considered “low-functioning” individuals on the Spectrum, I simply see differences of mental capacity and honestly, overall IQ. 

IQ can mean a lot of things, some of us have great mathematical brains while other are blessed with an above average skill in Art. Here are some things I know to be true, from experience.

1.     Every Autistic individual I know of is above average in some area. My friend son on the Spectrum does not speak or communicate in any way other than Art. But he is an amazing Artist, and still under 5 years old. That is an above average skill, whether he ever knows addition or not.

2.     Individuals with diagnosed Aspergers may work a job but tend to never mend their sensory issues to their work/social environment without routine struggles that often tend to an early departure. I personally have had over 50 jobs in 13 years. Not for lack of skill or knowledge in my field, but the social challenges were debilitating and I often would move on just to try out a new pace. I have had two jobs in my entire life that was comfortable enough for me to stay long-term.

3. My sensory issues run my life. Just as much as the child with Autism who is learning to control it. The urges never weaken with age. But I see in higher IQ’s that eventually the individual connects certain dots and understands the comments being made and to a degree, that individual will learn what is socially acceptable, this has several degrees and everyone reaches a different potential with different strong points and weaknesses. I for one, shuffled through dictionaries the moment I learned to read and photographically memorized the meaning of words. When I understood what was said about other kids who rocked back and forth, I knew not to do in front of anyone, ever again. Does that stop the urge? No. Does it help me control it? No. It just makes me more in tune with me. If I am the least overwhelmed I do not hang out with friends, even briefly. And if I suddenly feel that way in public I leave or go to my car as long as I need to, and sometimes I do not go back inside.

All of this provides for a lot more difficulty than most may realize. It impairs so many normal daily functions.

So I don’t see much reason, personally, to be so bitter about defining the difference of your diagnosis? Correct me if I am wrong. Perhaps I am not fully understand what “aspergers” is.

I have worked from home for the last year now. The biggest, hardest, miraculous decision I could have had to make. But my health was declining and now I see why.

I moved 600 miles away at 16 years old, I did not have a situation that made me feel there was any other option. I was told my Mother was dying, I was taught for years to take care of my own affairs and held to the same standard as my siblings, whether I understood or not. They had no idea of me having Autism. Work was a must to live. It never went well, I felt. At all. But I had to do it. So I started out by working with people with disabilities, I was just drawn to the idea and did for a long time even after becoming a Chef. I worked 2-3 jobs at a time, I never slept and thought I might as well try to make something out of nothing. So I worked, constantly. My obsession became working, even though I hated the environment and struggled to cope. And often failed. I moved around to 27 states in the U.S., and I have met so many people, celebrities, and have cooked for some of the greatest in this country.

When I began working from home it was a huge adjustment, but a much needed one. And now, I look back. And I cannot even recognize that person, that person I use to be. I do not know how I dealt or coped with any of it. I honestly look back at it and I am so disconnected at this point I feel like it was the life of a close friend.

I tend to feel time, physically in my memory. Like I can feel the distance. And it is odd that I would become this disconnected to half my life. But I know why. Living that life only lead to a major stress on my entire being and my health at this point suffers to the point of not even being able to hold a pan to cook, steady my hands to cut, or even lift things as my weight has dropped to 94 pounds. Which is up from last summer!

The magnitude of what this will do to your body is like suicide. And I just hope one day this Spectrum is defined enough to get assistance for people like my self, who have no other option, yet are faced with an ability to live in society alone, while having an overwhelming sensory processing disorder.

Sorry to get all Gay on you guys, but...

I am not only Autistic. Autism affects people, people with individual characters and lives.
Unlike most with Autism, I have watched maybe 30 movies in my entire life. I have a large circle of friends, most do not know about my Autism. Some do. And like most with Autism, my body can have a mind of it's own, I do everything "differently" down to the way I count money.

I also have a relationship, a partner, a life mate. This is not something that always came easy for me. I spent 8 years of the last 12 years single, by choice. I felt no reason to jump into any relationship unless it was truly going to work. I simply do not play house. I have enough problems that pop up on a daily basis at times, I never wanted what I seen as "more stress".

But, here we are, a couple years after making the decision to move in together we are still together, despite the frustrations, miscommunications, bad days, good days, and the typical relationship ups and downs. Those ups and downs look a bit differently for us, any NT couple would agree with that. But nonetheless, we work through them.

This decision was hard for me. One of my "obsessions" in life has been theology, which wound me knee deep in the Adventist church. I enjoyed my time there in my teenage years into my twenties, but my life was not entirely characterized by the church, nor was I a member, I just truly enjoyed digging into theology.

I stopped attending in my early twenties based on decisions I was facing in my life, morally.
As I fast forward to last night, to my relationship in this moment, and to a huge circle of swarming debates that I came across online, I felt compelled to write about my situation.

My girlfriend, Emily, and I are far from "loud and proud gay". We do not hide it, we do not flaunt it and we do not expect everyone to accept it. We even understand why it has taken this long for places to begin seeking Gay Marriage Laws.

The Gay community has always had a stigma, due to the secret lives people had to once live, and still do in some places, it caused promiscuous relationships, as no one could really take "claim" to any certain person openly as their significant other. This stigma comes with a slew of implications the Gay community is still rising above. But I see a change, a big one, in the community. The LBGT community is taking claim to relationships, marriage is for once an options and seems to really put a more defined image on gay relationships. As a community, we can finally live the lives everyone else has the freedom to publicly live.

That being said, after reading my Twitter feed and seeing the comments posted about the Grammy's intrigued me to write this. While I tend to be a more conservative person, I do not think the Grammy performance was over the top. I think it sent a positive message.

As an Autistic individual, and a person who works from home, we fight the battle of not being able to share an insurance policy, we have to go through other legal avenues to allow Emily in the room if I am hospitalized. She cannot know anything about my medical records without certain legal affairs being worked out beforehand. We have felt every implication.

My closest friend from my days in the Adventist church is also Gay. He shares a condo with his boyfriend, who serves his community in politics and they are both business owners. They are prestigious members of their community, respected and cared for. However, my friend still receives multiple page latters of hate from his parents, members of the church.

In Chicago, of all places, we were harassed by our Dutch landlord until we moved out. Being locked out of our home, having him intrude just to tell us we are scum and we have also faced the small town issues that arise. We are like any other couple when we spend time with our friends. We do not hang all over each other like two 16 year olds, our friends respect that we are ourselves and we keep our intimate lives in our home, where they belong, even for a straight couple. So I have a hard time seeing what implications our lives must put on others to receive some of the treatment we have, but overall, coming from the person who never watches t.v., I think the Grammy performance ROCKED.

Late Intervention, Better Than No Intervention. Should I be calling A&E?

It's hard to wrap my head around sincere communication and mimicked behavior, I'm not sure the difference at times. I could give you a technical definition in a heartbeat, however, people may think I understand, but I merely understand the physical process of a joke or gesture sometimes. I believe it is a matter of character. Some people on the spectrum seek connection, and some have no motivation to conquer it. 

I can do many things and bring levels of intellect to conversation, if I choose, that most seem unaware of. Yet, when recognizing facial expressions on a chart. I still get 8 out of 10 incorrect. 

Adult Autism is a funny thing sometimes. But I feel like it's never too late for yet another light bulb to go off. I say this because I am verbal and able to communicate on a NT level, be it mimicked behavior or sincere, I have simply learned to adjust to YOU'RE world. So take my advise and never stop working on even the littlest of skills that may someday be understood. 

Gluten Free?

Attention Gluten Free Wardens

Just an observation. Don't take it personal. But Autism + Gluten Free = Maximum Security, Life Sentence, No Parole, Stuck in The Hole, Littlest guy in Prison Syndrome.

On the flip side, I know for some it does help. I am one of them. And getting back to a gluten free existence (for the health and safety of those around me)

Just keep this in mind. And if you are trying this diet, be prepared to go the extra mile to provide foods are very similar to foods they are familiar with that contain gluten.
Seriously, I am 29 years old and even though I understand this process, emotionally I do not. I get mixed messages from stimulus telling me that I need these things because my habits heavily influence my senses.

Going gluten free should really include a good 2-3 weeks trial of new recipes that are like the things your child already eats, but gluten free. And don't forget, it takes a year for gluten to completely be out of your system. So patience is also something you should be ready for. But in some cases, it can be worth it. But don't add more than you can presently handle. I'd never push it unless, like me, your child is rapidly losing weight due to a gluten intolerance.

And that is all for now.

What's the Difference?

What’s the difference?

I get asked a lot about the differences in my self and an average adult, because of Autism. I also get told how “normal” I look and how “well adjusted” I am for having Autism and having never been to school.

It takes me 4-7 hours to unwind if I work outside of my home. Also if I am socializing with people I do not know it generally takes hours to come down from the overwhelming stimulus of being around people that I am not generally around on a daily/weekly basis. When was the last time that a fun evening with friends took you 6 hours to calm down from?

I sleep on average 2 hours a night. Sometimes less.

Generally once or twice a month I will pass out for about 6 hours. This causes a slew of stresses, anxiety and overall exhaustion.

I do not always understand others but I am always expected to understand others. Appearing “normal” is confusing. If I simply looked different I would not be expected to function at the level of those around me. But I do look the way I do. And I do understand a lot. I understand the NT’s are different, with different needs. I understand they like simple chit chat. I understand they have needs that I do not feel are very important. But never once have I ever thought their chit chat or lower IQ level was contagious? So please, understand that my confusion is also not contagious. If I look at you with a blank stare, just move forward, chances are I will understand the next topic.

My girlfriend and I do not have the typical schedule of most couples. Our schedule runs on Autism time.  What would you do if you went to kiss your significant other and they just turned away and said, “not now”? Just for a simple kiss? I understand Emily see’s it as just that but she has also learned that my brain can be so consumed at times that any distraction can cause anxiety.

I weight 96 pounds because I cannot eat enough to sustain a proper weight for my size. Food is overwhelming if I have to have more than a few bites at a time. I have been this way since I was born. My parents made me eat 1TBSP of everything on my plate as a child just to ensure I was getting something.  I love food and being a Chef for so long is probably ironic, but I loved the art, not the eating part ;) As I always said, I don’t want to be famous, I just want to feed a lot of people. And I surely did.

I was able to cook for celebrity parties, I cooked through 3 Super Bowl’s and 7 movie premiers as well as traveled 27 states in the u.s.

I have also learned that NT’s think I am very accomplished for my ability to fit in, look normal, and to be able to carry out what appears to be a normal life. However, I feel like being able to abandon the only normality I built for my self, accept who I am for the sake of less anxiety and stress, and begin rallying for those who are just like me. People just like me who sometimes do not speak or perhaps live their life without as much realization of the NT side of life. Because truly, that is the only difference between my self and someone who might be labeled “Lower Functioning”. In my opinion, lower functioning is just simply an individual less aware of normality, for them, Autism is normality. For me, it only isn’t “normality” because I am all too aware of the NT side of life. I may understand some logic better, but honestly, it is isn’t any easier. My emotions, thoughts, feelings and senses are all too in tune with Autism. It is extremely confusing when your body says someone is mad, but logic tells you they are just being quiet today. Especially when your bodies senses try to play devils advocate with your logic.

I was have still not gotten use to the treatment I receive when going to the hospital. before, I always had great care. Now that I list Autism as a condition they always have to make some sort of reference. I have gotten better at deflecting these statements. Last ER visit the Dr. commented, "well, you look normal to me" and I replied, "Well, you don't look ignorant to me but here we are.."

Never let anyone get you down, and if they do, just get right back up. You know, after the meltdown.

That is the difference.

Still think I look normal?

Via Perception. The Memoir.

I have not posted here in a bit. things have been busy. I was blessed with the opportunity to design a museum gallery and it is now coming to the end of the project so I have more time, for now.

Via Perception has done far more, just for my self, than I ever imagined. 

It allowed to me truly lay out a timeline of 27 years. 27 fast, hectic, chaotic and sometimes monumental years. I am so happy to be past most of what I have written about and have such a clearer understanding of myself, how Autism plays such a major role in my life, the lack of education that actually gave me more education and a life I truly never understood, still don't for the most part, but little by little the pieces come together.

Via Perception is not only about Autism. 

It is a memoir that speaks of my adoption, life after meeting my 9 siblings, growing up in the armpit of the u.s., the passing of my 27 year old brother, boarding a plane alone at 16 to leave home for good and not return for 12 years, the hardship of employment on the spectrum and the 40 plus positions I have held over time,  never being sent to school and seeking out my own education as a child, and other things you will read and swear I must reside in Russia or Syria. Promise, I am a u.s. born citizen. I was born a bit close to the Mexico boarder but I AM in fact American ;)

Via perception also tackles a few of the misconceptions of Autism, all be it, in a mighty sarcastic way. Sarcasm and laughter have gotten me through the worst and the best. 

I am happy to be reformatting the book into something better but I want to share it with whomever may want to read it. It is available on Kindle but I am offering the PDF photographic version through my Facebook page for free. 

The book was never about money. It was about resolution. There is so much that is not in the book, but will be in the next book. Such as abuse and neglect on the spectrum. Via Perception gained it's name for a reason. This is completely about the perception I have through the eyes of someone who appears average on the outside but is operating at about 75% Autism. The new book will detail how the smallest to the largest of injustices are perceived from someone with Autism. 

The memoir does not contain these things because it was not meant to be shed in this type of light and was meant for a more broad audience. I feel some of the topics it covers are raw enough. Even though they are painting a overall positive picture, it does cover things like my brothers passing, being practically left for dead by my biological Mother and having only gone to kindergarten my entire life. I'd say that is raw enough for a start. It does not phase me but the ones close to me who knew before this memoir emerged, seemed to always be pretty taken back by the details of my upbringing lol So I decided to go lightly first ;) 

The memoir is available upon request. Just go to our page and let us know where to email the PDF copy and we will happily send it over to you. PDF Versions can be uploaded to E-readers as well.

A.

A rare victory hopefully not followed by sudden death..

Not every victory is a matter of reaching the inner workings of another galaxy, but it sure feels that way. I have been through my share of career ups and downs but I have always held a job and worked my ass off. Literally folks, I'm like 98 pounds ;)

I can easily see the similarities between bipolar disorder and autism and how one might be misdiagnosed. The ups and downs are sometimes alarming but always entertaining. I often wonder if my fiance is a drama queen, she'd have to be to stay with me thus far. She'd have to love the theatrics of it all.

I've been through the medical field in various forms, the food industry from prep cook to executive chef and I have freelanced in graphic design and photography. currently I am taking free online courses in computer programming and web design. I love computers and the way they work. I also love cooking but it's become harder to work in that setting. Today I scored several possibilities for income on a few design projects, hopefully things are looking up but most likely by morning I will be ready for death. We'll see :)

My mind keeps shifting to Avonte, the missing boy in NY. I truly hope and pray they find this boy. I am sitting here with my layers of clothing on and heater by my side. I like to escape outside even in the winter to not be in the house around everything so I have a spot outside where I go, completely enclosed, heater and all so I can escape anytime I want and stay warm. Life has become more about what realistically I enjoy and this is one of the things I enjoy, being outdoors in a safe spot, warm and cuddled up with my laptop. I cannot imagine not being dressed warmly or having heat out here. It is far too cold,  I hope he is found safe.