Is it Autism or Aspergers?

I get this, I get this a lot. And often, I am lost for words and only emotions engulf me. Not as if this is rare, just another happenstance.

You look normal, they say. You can talk, they say. You communicate just like us, they say. I had just stopped listen to what they say. And I began really losing myself in those feelings, I have learned that is the only way I will ever truly understand emotions that I have no words for. To just get lost in them when they surface.

Being able to do this, for one, has been a blessing only a year in the making. Only a year! I am presently 29 years old. I am a female on the Autistic Spectrum. I am in a relationship for going on three years and I have lived alone most of my life. Working my way through survival as a private and commercial Chef, photography, graphic design, developing web app’s, and working in the health care field.  Most are dumb founded by my employment history, but what they do not understand is if they were to look closer, they would truly understand. I could never do this before, working up to 120 hours a week, I had no time to know who I was and was content with that. Most of all, I have no formal education from 1st-12^th grade. At all. I was never sent to school after kindergarten. That is a whole different story.. 

What separates Autism and Aspergers? Truly?

There is huge mix of emotions that I started matching to words. And it didn’t make total sense, until today. And, I ask that you understand that this is a “new” revelation in my very wonky head, do not be offended, please. Or do, what ever feels best, that is my involuntary motto.

When I think of very “high-functioning” compared to what would be considered “low-functioning” individuals on the Spectrum, I simply see differences of mental capacity and honestly, overall IQ. 

IQ can mean a lot of things, some of us have great mathematical brains while other are blessed with an above average skill in Art. Here are some things I know to be true, from experience.

1.     Every Autistic individual I know of is above average in some area. My friend son on the Spectrum does not speak or communicate in any way other than Art. But he is an amazing Artist, and still under 5 years old. That is an above average skill, whether he ever knows addition or not.

2.     Individuals with diagnosed Aspergers may work a job but tend to never mend their sensory issues to their work/social environment without routine struggles that often tend to an early departure. I personally have had over 50 jobs in 13 years. Not for lack of skill or knowledge in my field, but the social challenges were debilitating and I often would move on just to try out a new pace. I have had two jobs in my entire life that was comfortable enough for me to stay long-term.

3. My sensory issues run my life. Just as much as the child with Autism who is learning to control it. The urges never weaken with age. But I see in higher IQ’s that eventually the individual connects certain dots and understands the comments being made and to a degree, that individual will learn what is socially acceptable, this has several degrees and everyone reaches a different potential with different strong points and weaknesses. I for one, shuffled through dictionaries the moment I learned to read and photographically memorized the meaning of words. When I understood what was said about other kids who rocked back and forth, I knew not to do in front of anyone, ever again. Does that stop the urge? No. Does it help me control it? No. It just makes me more in tune with me. If I am the least overwhelmed I do not hang out with friends, even briefly. And if I suddenly feel that way in public I leave or go to my car as long as I need to, and sometimes I do not go back inside.

All of this provides for a lot more difficulty than most may realize. It impairs so many normal daily functions.

So I don’t see much reason, personally, to be so bitter about defining the difference of your diagnosis? Correct me if I am wrong. Perhaps I am not fully understand what “aspergers” is.

I have worked from home for the last year now. The biggest, hardest, miraculous decision I could have had to make. But my health was declining and now I see why.

I moved 600 miles away at 16 years old, I did not have a situation that made me feel there was any other option. I was told my Mother was dying, I was taught for years to take care of my own affairs and held to the same standard as my siblings, whether I understood or not. They had no idea of me having Autism. Work was a must to live. It never went well, I felt. At all. But I had to do it. So I started out by working with people with disabilities, I was just drawn to the idea and did for a long time even after becoming a Chef. I worked 2-3 jobs at a time, I never slept and thought I might as well try to make something out of nothing. So I worked, constantly. My obsession became working, even though I hated the environment and struggled to cope. And often failed. I moved around to 27 states in the U.S., and I have met so many people, celebrities, and have cooked for some of the greatest in this country.

When I began working from home it was a huge adjustment, but a much needed one. And now, I look back. And I cannot even recognize that person, that person I use to be. I do not know how I dealt or coped with any of it. I honestly look back at it and I am so disconnected at this point I feel like it was the life of a close friend.

I tend to feel time, physically in my memory. Like I can feel the distance. And it is odd that I would become this disconnected to half my life. But I know why. Living that life only lead to a major stress on my entire being and my health at this point suffers to the point of not even being able to hold a pan to cook, steady my hands to cut, or even lift things as my weight has dropped to 94 pounds. Which is up from last summer!

The magnitude of what this will do to your body is like suicide. And I just hope one day this Spectrum is defined enough to get assistance for people like my self, who have no other option, yet are faced with an ability to live in society alone, while having an overwhelming sensory processing disorder.