What's the Difference?

What’s the difference?

I get asked a lot about the differences in my self and an average adult, because of Autism. I also get told how “normal” I look and how “well adjusted” I am for having Autism and having never been to school.

It takes me 4-7 hours to unwind if I work outside of my home. Also if I am socializing with people I do not know it generally takes hours to come down from the overwhelming stimulus of being around people that I am not generally around on a daily/weekly basis. When was the last time that a fun evening with friends took you 6 hours to calm down from?

I sleep on average 2 hours a night. Sometimes less.

Generally once or twice a month I will pass out for about 6 hours. This causes a slew of stresses, anxiety and overall exhaustion.

I do not always understand others but I am always expected to understand others. Appearing “normal” is confusing. If I simply looked different I would not be expected to function at the level of those around me. But I do look the way I do. And I do understand a lot. I understand the NT’s are different, with different needs. I understand they like simple chit chat. I understand they have needs that I do not feel are very important. But never once have I ever thought their chit chat or lower IQ level was contagious? So please, understand that my confusion is also not contagious. If I look at you with a blank stare, just move forward, chances are I will understand the next topic.

My girlfriend and I do not have the typical schedule of most couples. Our schedule runs on Autism time.  What would you do if you went to kiss your significant other and they just turned away and said, “not now”? Just for a simple kiss? I understand Emily see’s it as just that but she has also learned that my brain can be so consumed at times that any distraction can cause anxiety.

I weight 96 pounds because I cannot eat enough to sustain a proper weight for my size. Food is overwhelming if I have to have more than a few bites at a time. I have been this way since I was born. My parents made me eat 1TBSP of everything on my plate as a child just to ensure I was getting something.  I love food and being a Chef for so long is probably ironic, but I loved the art, not the eating part ;) As I always said, I don’t want to be famous, I just want to feed a lot of people. And I surely did.

I was able to cook for celebrity parties, I cooked through 3 Super Bowl’s and 7 movie premiers as well as traveled 27 states in the u.s.

I have also learned that NT’s think I am very accomplished for my ability to fit in, look normal, and to be able to carry out what appears to be a normal life. However, I feel like being able to abandon the only normality I built for my self, accept who I am for the sake of less anxiety and stress, and begin rallying for those who are just like me. People just like me who sometimes do not speak or perhaps live their life without as much realization of the NT side of life. Because truly, that is the only difference between my self and someone who might be labeled “Lower Functioning”. In my opinion, lower functioning is just simply an individual less aware of normality, for them, Autism is normality. For me, it only isn’t “normality” because I am all too aware of the NT side of life. I may understand some logic better, but honestly, it is isn’t any easier. My emotions, thoughts, feelings and senses are all too in tune with Autism. It is extremely confusing when your body says someone is mad, but logic tells you they are just being quiet today. Especially when your bodies senses try to play devils advocate with your logic.

I was have still not gotten use to the treatment I receive when going to the hospital. before, I always had great care. Now that I list Autism as a condition they always have to make some sort of reference. I have gotten better at deflecting these statements. Last ER visit the Dr. commented, "well, you look normal to me" and I replied, "Well, you don't look ignorant to me but here we are.."

Never let anyone get you down, and if they do, just get right back up. You know, after the meltdown.

That is the difference.

Still think I look normal?